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Saturday, December 26th, 2009
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The scene of her last days keep flashing back in my dreams. In different ways. Different from how it really happened. Different settings, same pain. I just wake up crying.
People tell me it's ok, it's ok. But it's not ok. What if you were in my place? What if it was your mom there? Would you still be saying it's ok? Wouldn't you feel bad, too? And they say it's just a dream. Well sometimes I wish it wasn't. Because then she'd be here. It's so selfish of me to want her here even in that condition, but I miss her terribly.
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... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive. Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
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Friday, December 25th, 2009
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This is gonna be short and drama-free.
So. Christmas. Almost the same stuff. Christmas eve, we went in front of the cathedral to see the giant lanterns. Then, we went home and had a mini "noche buena" with our cousins. There wrere only seven of us, but it was fun. We ate and chatted til 3.
Christmas day, we went to Go Hiap for lunch. Same people. Uncle Zal and family, Uncle Fer and family, Uncle Ben and Family, Auntie Net and Uncle Boy, Auntie Leng and family, Uncle Albert, Achi Cristy and kids, Achi Regie, and two of Achi Kathy's kids. Somehow, it was more fun today.. I think? The bond was stronger.. I think? Haha. Anyway, bottomline, I had fun.
Even though a lot has changed, and some people are gone, some things still remain the same. Or there's one thing, at least. Haha.. Aside from the lanterns, it's Bryan. It's always been our custom to meet up during the lantern display every Christmas eve. And now, even though we're all grown up, he still looks for me whenever he watches the lanterns. Last night, he texted me asking where I was. But the network was so busy, I guess, that I couldn't send messages. So I wasn't able to tell him where I was standing. But he managed to find me.
What's so touching about this is that he already has a girlfriend. And I have a boyfriend. But he never forgets me. Oh, and he never fails to visit me at the cemetery every nov.1 as has been another custom. Anyway, as I've said he already has a girlfriend. But he still treats me the same way he used to. He still puts his arm around me. He still makes me feel we're close. Unlike those friends that... well.. ever since they had their gf's... kind of left me. Haha. Anyway. He's the only childhood friend I'm still "friends with." The rest, I dunno where they've gone.
Switching gears, I realized that I've never given Kat anything since the day she was born. She's my goddaughter, by the way. But how am I supposed to give her a gift, when Ahia Oli, who's also one of her godfathers, gives her super expensive gifts. Like for this year, he gave her a Nintendo DS. Uhh... So nevermind. She won't notice my gift anyway. Haha. :)
So that's how my Christmas went. New Year's up next. How time flies.
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Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
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Really should be posting my God wants you to know messages here so that I do not forget. They only disappear on Facebook. Anyway.. here's the one I got today.
On this day, God wants you to know...
... that humans learn only by trial and error, and that includes you. You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The qu...estion is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.
I really, really have to get my butt out there and start living. Aside from getting a new life, I will also be able to get my mind off of things. I'm about to lose my sanity here. You have no idea what kind of thoughts get in my head when I'm bored. Besides, I need to bug off of a few people. :)
And here are some of the previous ones. Was able to dig up a few.
... that today you have a cause for celebration. Today, you should celebrate what an unbelievable life you have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make you stronger. Just as a gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can a life be perfected without trials. Take a time to acknowledge your life and to praise yourself.
Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, r...id yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.
... that it's time to STOP going through the motions of living, and START living.
Are you willing to do that now? Or are you going to wait until all life energy drains... out of you and your loved ones who are trying to support you at this very moment? You were not born to follow rules and regulations. Living starts with dreaming. So dream, dream friend, and let dreams show you the path to your bliss.
... that you are only as free as you imagine yourself to be.
There is nothing ''out there'' that's holding you down, - you are limiting yourself only with your own ima...gination. And your greatest limits are not even the ''cannot'' and the ''should not'', but the places where your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible.
Isn't it nice to get "messages from God?" I'm at the point where I'm tired of talking to Him because I do not get anything. No replies. No answers. No responses. I don't hear from Him. I don't see him granting my prayers. So why bother.. right?
Now this, somehow, even though I'm not sure where it comes from or whether the person who does it is being used by God or not or what, I don't know, at least I'm made to believe that it is what God wants me to know. You never know. There could be a holy intervention. Is that what it's called? Anyway, you get it. And what's more amusing is that most of the time, it hits the spot. :)
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Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
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Brittany Murphy died Sunday, Dec. 20. Just 5 days before Christmas. How cruel is that? Anyway.. what is it with 2009? Not only is it a bad year.. but it's a year of deaths as well. It's like.. it's cursed. Ask anyone, and I'm sure they'll say the same. I'm just glad it's about to end, and I hope its curse doesn't get carried over to the next year.
RIP Brittany Murphy. You'll be missed.
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You know how the past can show up sometimes and just ruin your day? Thing is.. to me, it has almost stopped being visible. It's just that from time to time I get glimpses of it from little things.. I repeat. LITTLE things that are really unnoticeable. Things I CAN ignore but won't. My selective eyesight just never fails me. Most of the time, I don't see things that I'm supposed to see let alone those that do not matter to me because I'm not really an observant person, but somehow, the littlest of details that has something to do with my life, good or bad, just instantly catches my attention. And the worst part is, if it's not a good one, I make a certain someone feel bad out of it just to make myself feel better.
At times, when I'm bored, I like digging up the past, and I don't know why. Now this is unforgivable. It's like.. committing suicide. I know, I know. I exaggerated. But you get the point. I keep looking for something that hurts. Gets? I'm such a masochist. I don't know what good this does to me, but somehow, I keep wanting it. Haha. Anyway. And most of the time, the only source of this information is the person I love the most. And in the process, this person gets hurt.
Of course. It hurts. You leave everything behind for your "present" but you do not get appreciated for it. You give him/her this and that and this and that... everything you can.. but the only thing he/she sees is your past... what you gave him/her.. what you'd done for him/her... You push yourself closer to him/her, but he/she pushes you away just because he/she's irrationally jealous. You take him/her out because you want him/her to enjoy the day, but he/she ruins it because the only thing that comes out of his/her mouth is your past.
If only the past could be erased, right? The memories. If only. Unfortunately, we can't just push the delete button and expect the past to go poof. You go to a certain site, and you see something he/she'd written in the past for someone he/she treasured then. or sometimes, pictures of them together. And you can't delete anything because it's not your site. You pass by a restaurant which happens to have witnessed one of their "dates." You see a movie they once watched together. You go to a store and see something exactly the same or similar to what he/she'd given him/her in the past. And so on. You just can't escape it.
But come on.. Why does it matter? Isn't everything he/she's been doing enough to cover up the past? Like it was his/her fault it happened. I'm sure he/she didn't have the slightest idea you'd be coming along.
But all I want is to know whether there was something there or not... (The video? The blog? The messages? The fight with a friend? And more...)
Again, why does it even matter? What's important is... he/she's done with the past. You are all that matters to him/her now. He/she doesn't even talk to him/her anymore. He/she ignores him/her whenever he/she calls/texts/invites/ym's etc. How can one ignore someone he/she values? The only time he/she talks to him/her is when you force him/her to. Dahel? What for, mehn? What for?
It's not his/her fault he/she's being chased. Still being chased. One just can't get over.. while the other was kind of left hanging. The others.. well.. are simply attracted. You should even be proud. :) Unless he/she gives you a reason to be suspicious, don't.
Well I'm just scared he/she'd fall for those who bug around. You know? And it's funny and incredible at the same time 'cos they're BIG catches. How he/she got them? I'm not sure. So I find it quite dangerous. Thing is, instead of guarding him/her, I use reverse psychology. I tell him/her to get away expecting he/she'll come begging for me to take him/her back. That's how I roll when I get jealous. I build a super duper thick and high wall of pride and wait for him/her to ask me to let him/her in. Cruel? I don't understand myself either. (Maybe all I want is for you to assure me you're all mine just as you want me to claim you're mine and mine alone. Haha.)
But just so you know.. I am really proud of you. I really don't know how you do it, or what it is about you that makes them want you, but I'm amazed. She who's everyone's fantasy. She who's caught thousands of eyes. And they who are wanted by your friends, but it's you they want. At school, at work.. everywhere. You always have this way of getting people to like being around you and having a chat with you. At first sight, you don't seem to be a heartthrob, but once they get to spend a little time with you and get to know you, suddenly you become.. THE MAN. And everyone envies you. I myself envy you. Haha. That's why I'm afraid.. what I'm proud of about you is exactly what scares me. Sometimes, whenever you're out of my sight, and I don't know what's up with you, and I don't get updates.. I can't help but think there must be something going on. I mean.. to be surrounded and texted and talked to by (you know the people I'm talking about), it makes me insecure. Still, I really can't believe you stooped down for me (and still are). And I don't know why. And I would like to thank you.. because everything you'd done in the past.. for THEM.. well, I receive times n (as in variable). Thank you. :)
Suddenly remembered the night when you gave me those sorry chocolates just because of a little misunderstanding.. when you really didn't have to. And we were not even close yet that time. I guess.. that's how you capture(d) their...hearts? Haha. :) You're sweet.. to everyone. You don't treat them nicely because you have ulterior motives.. not because you just want to impress them.. but because you just are naturally sweet. :)
P.S. Someday, this problem of mine will be resolved because I'm already working on it. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing because it brings me pride. Haha. :) I don't want you to stop being the way you are, or were, just because of this annoying habit I've developed. Neh? Be the same person they'd known you to be. (Yes, it makes me proud that she still keeps on texting you. And I want you to reply every time because I don't want you to lose... it? Basta. Cos it's a pride for both of us nga. Haha. It's amusing how after all these years she still can't move on.. no? What had you done to her?? Haha. Boys go in and out of her life. but it's still you she looks for and runs to. :) Aww...) Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Still.... (Ayaw talaga patalo eh.) I have the right to know the truth, di ba? Di ba? Honesty. Without it, it won't work.
I wrote vaguely on purpose because...... I like mystery. Hahaha! And I think it kind of gives excitement to my writing. Labooooooo! Anyway. I just want people guessing what I'm talking about. Even though it's pretty obvious. Hahahahaha! And it's messy too. Go figure who I'm talking about and who I'm talking to. Plus it's really, really, reeaaaaaaaallly late, so forgive the craziness. My brain just isn't working properly.
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Di ko talaga alam bat pinapahirapan ko sarili ko eh. Kelangan ko talagang masapak. Gaaaaaaaaah. A detailed explanation to follow. For now, tulog muna ko. Goodnight.
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Monday, December 21st, 2009
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Eww. Ang panget nya pala, eww. Can't believe I wasted my time and energy on her. Eww. We really have different tastes when it comes to girls. Eww.
Super EWW.
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Saturday, December 19th, 2009
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It's haunting me. Again. I don't know what the hell my problem is. By now, I'm supposed to be over it. Totally over it. After all, I'm the one who won. But that's precisely why I'm bothered. Why? Why me? If you look at how they were then, you'll really wonder how things got here. Gaaaaaaaaah.. Wish I knew.
Let it go, M. Let it go.
But I'm surrounded by things that remind me of the past. Or if there's nothing there, I keep looking for something. And I can't help but wonder how.. why... You know? I just want to be... enlightened. To have some peace of mind. Something I can't get.
I'm living in insecurity. Even if I've already got the prize, I'm still trying to compete without anyone knowing it. It's like.. I keep on running even after having crossed the finish line, and everyone's already over it yet I keep looking back to see if there's anyone still trying to race with me even though there's really none. It's just.. tiring and troublesome.
Or maybe it's just because of.... (a brief background.) I noticed that lately, I've become very, very jealous. Now, those who know me very well know for a fact that I'm not the type of person who gets jealous easily. Or if ever I do, I can easily shake it off and move on. So. Who am I jealous of? It's more like.. what. What? What am I jealous of? I don't know. There's no one in particular. There's nothing in particular. I can't pinpoint it. It could by anything. The past.. the job.. the work.. the officemates.. the colleagues.. the parties.. the cars?? I don't know. I have no idea what has caused this jealousy to occur. And it happens almost all the time. Sometimes, I'm just good at hiding it. There's one thing I do know though. I am way out of line here, and this has got to stop. It's doing neither of us any good. It's actually causing us damage.
I used to be the strong one. The independent one. The tough one. The one being missed. But I'm now the opposite. I've become the clingy one. The needy one. The weak one. I can't figure out what's brought this about. And I'm annoyed.
Despite everything I complain about, no matter how I weigh things, the assurance that I have nothing to worry about is apparent. From words to gestures to actions to gifts to all sorts of effort. This is precisely why I can't understand what's going on with me. I've been trying to convince myself to stop it, but I just can't.
I've been keeping this from you for quite a long time now. I didn't know how to get it across. I didn't think you'd understand. But I figured this could be a good way of letting you know since you read my blog often. I don't want you to think that you're at fault. Cos clearly, you're not. So I don't want you making any adjustments. I'm the one with the problem. So I've a favor to ask. Please.. bear with me. Help me get through this.. Neh? Whenever I get attacks, please try your hardest to understand. Thanks.. :)
Out of sight, out of mind? Guess not. Out of sight, bugs my mind. :) Haay.. Need more stuff to fill out my day.
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Friday, December 18th, 2009
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Thursday, December 17th, 2009
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- Boost your immune system. Eat nutritious food. - This I really, really need since fruits and vegetables aren't part of my daily diet.
- Take in more antioxidants. - Umm.. I've to research on this. Dunno where to get antioxidants. C2? Nge.
- Reduce your body fat. - Will find time and the will power to do this.
- Exercise. Increase your physical activity. - Same as #3.
- Reduce stress. - Talk to the people around me.
- Balance work and relaxation. - Umm.. Ok.
- Get enough sleep. - Working on this.
- Drink 10-12 glasses of water daily. - Working on this, too.
- Forgive. - This will take time.
- Be happy. Share your love. - Forcing myself.
-Cory Quirino. The Inquirer.
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Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
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I can't remember having a sad Christmas.. except for last year which was just so-so. And as I've said over and over, this year is supposed to be a really sad one. But I've been hoping it wouldn't be that bad.
Last night, much to our surprise, Shrek asked us if we'd like to take a walk by the cathedral and buy some bibingka, suman, etc. We immediately said yes. Not only were we craving for the said food, but we also wanted to get out of the house and breathe (figuratively speaking.) It's not like there's no oxygen at home. Anyway. When we got home, we ate the food we bought. And surprisingly, everyone was happy. We had a great time. W/ Shrek. Omg. I know, right? Well, at least my brother and sisters did. I just enjoyed it because they were all happy. And because of the food, of course.
All this time I've been wishing for a happy Christmas. But last night, after what happened, for some reason, I changed my mind. I don't want a happy Christmas after all. Because I will only miss Ma more. And I will want her to be here to spend Christmas with us. And I will feel bad because she can't. And I'll feel sorry for her because of what she's missing. Seeing us happy would definitely make her happy if only she was here. But if we get a not-so-happy Christmas, then it's kind of better for her to be there rather than be here.
Hay. I dunno. I dunno if this is still called venting or I've just turned into some emo freak. Anyway. Again, Happy Holidays. :)
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sevilla_philo
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Link available until Dec. 21: http://senduit.com/cabbfa
An Introduction to Confucius
Three Dimensions of Continuity and the Virtues
By Anton Luis Sevilla
Confucius (Kǒng Fūzǐ, 孔夫子) was born in the State of Lu in 551BCE. He lost his father when he was three years old, and lost his mother when he was 17. These difficult circumstances reduced him to poverty, despite his being of royal ancestry. Yet with diligence he rose to become arguably the single most influential philosopher of all time (from sheer number of followers), with his influence spreading throughout the entire sinosphere, and deeply forming the intellectual milieu in China, Korea, Japan, and Vietnam.
According to Dr. Manuel Dy, Confucius had three aims. First, the reform of government and society. Second, the education of the people. And third, the transmission of the culture of the Zhou. Briefly surveying these aims, we see that these three correspond to three axes of continuity that characterize the Confucian philosophy of relationality.
The first aim of Confucius was the reform of government and society. According to Dr. Dy, China was in a state of chaos in those years. States were at the brink of all out war, and as a result taxation was immense—the workers suffered and the rulers amassed wealth and arms at the expense of the poor. Confucius's solution was what was called 'rectification of names', wherein each person became aware of his place in society in relation to others, and tried to live up to the duties that accrued to such a position. There were five traditional relationships then: father-son, husband-wife, elder-younger, sovereign-subject, and friend-friend. If a father behaved toward his son in the manner that a father ought to, and in return if a son behaved toward his father in the way a son ought to, and so on, then society would regain a sense of harmony.
However, what precise duties are prescribed for fathers, sons, husbands, wives, and so on? For now, let us let this remain a question, and turn to two points offered here. First, one notices that of the five relationships, only one is a symmetric relationship (friend-friend). Most relationships are asymmetric in terms of power, capacities, and duties. But that does not mean that Confucius was promoting unfairness. Instead, we see here that for Confucius, fairness is not a product of equal people dealing with each other in universalizable ways. Instead, it is about different people, with different strengths and weaknesses, responding to each other in a way that fully utilizes one's strengths in response to the deficiencies of another, and acknowledges one's weaknesses in order to make space for another's strengths. These cardinal relationships speak of the need for us to respond to each other as the unique and different beings that we are.
Second, we see here that one's behavior, perhaps one's entire being, is determined by one's relationships. A person may be a friend to some, a parent to his children, a child to his parents, a superior to some, subordinate to others, and so on. All of these roles dictate how he should comport himself, how he should speak, act, and live out his life. We see here that individuals are not monads looking out for their own well-being. Instead, we are fundamentally part of relationships, part of a whole from which we derive the meaning and direction of our individual existence.
From these two points, we see the first dimension of continuity which is horizontal continuity—the continuity along the breadth of society, a continuity that connects all individuals by virtue of relationships. Confucius's aim to reform government and society shaped his philosophy to value relationships, and inter-dependent connections between people, instead of the individual ego or cogito.
The second aim of Confucius was to educate the people. Dr. Dy says that during that time, education was limited to court officials and their sons. But for Confucius, education was for everyone. He even socialized his tuition scheme so that students only paid what they could, saying, “I have never failed to instruct students who, using their own resources, could only afford a gift of dried meat.” (Analects, 7:7). His best student, Yan Hui, was terribly poor. Yet none of this mattered to Confucius, who was more concerned with the student's love for learning. All this led him to be known as “the first professional educator of the East.”
Reading The Great Learning, one sees the importance that Confucius places on education. He writes:
The ancients who wished to illustrate illustrious virtue throughout the kingdom, first ordered well their own States. Wishing to order well their States, they first regulated their families. Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their persons. Wishing to cultivate their persons, they first rectified their hearts. Wishing to rectify their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in their thoughts. Wishing to be sincere in their thoughts, they first extended to the utmost their knowledge. Such extension of knowledge lay in the investigation of things.
The foundation of the transformation of society is education. What we see here is how there is a connection from the outermost (the kingdom) to the innermost (one's relationship with reality), and if one seeks to reform the outermost, one must first begin with the innermost. This shows the second axis of continuity in Confucianism which is vertical continuity—the continuity traversing the depth from the most external to the innermost, from society to one's heart of hearts.
The third aim of Confucius was to transmit the culture of the Zhou—its rites, music, political practices, and virtues. Despite Confucius's clearly original teaching, he was not one to claim originality. He said, “Following the proper way, I do not forge new paths; with confidence I cherish the ancients—in these respects I am comparable to our venerable Old Peng.” (Analects, 7:1) In contradistinction to the excessive fixation on originality that is in vogue in the present, Confucius did not want to be revolutionary, for to do so risks destroy the excellence that tradition has to offer and one's continuity with the past.
Looking for instance at the history of western thought, we see how in progressing from one epoch to another—medieval theocentrism to anti-theocentric modernism to anti-modern post-modernity to post-post modernity and so on—we see how much of the wisdom of the past can be lost in the haste for novelty and progress for new ideas. Contrary to this, Confucius advocated more gradual changes that held on to the wisdom of the past but learn from its mistakes as well. He said, “Reviewing the old as a means of realizing the new—such a person can be considered a teacher.” (Analects, 2:11) What we see here is the third axis of continuity in Confucianism which is temporal continuity—the continuity alongside the length of time and history, from the traditions of the past to the new horizons of the future.
We have seen here that Confucius was a social philosopher par excellence. His point of departure was not the isolated individual, but relationships and relationality: between a human being and his neighbors, between the external and the internal, and between moments of time and history. Hence, his philosophy is one that both manifested and safeguarded continuity in all its dimensions.
Five Cardinal Virtues:
Rén (仁) is from person 人 + two 二 or up 上
Ames & Hall: Authoritative conduct; Others: benevolence, humanity, manhood-at-its-best, human-heartedness, pakikipagkapwa-tao
Lĭ (禮) is from altar/to show 示 + abundant 豊
Ames & Hall: Observing ritual propriety; Others: propriety, ritual, rites, customs, etiquette, morals, rules of proper behavior, worship
Yì (義) is from sheep 羊 + hand 手 + axe 戈
Ames & Hall: Appropriateness; Others: righteousness, duty, morality
Zhì (智) is from to know 知 + sun 日
Ames & Hall: Realization; Others: wisdom, knowledge
Xìn (信) is from person 人 + words 言
Ames & Hall: Making good on one's word; Others: trustworthiness, faith
* * * * *
Intellectual Copyright © 2009, Anton Luis Sevilla
These are lecture notes for the class in Foundations of Moral Value, and merely reflect the teaching method and approach of the author, and are not to be used as canonical interpretations of the thinker and his texts.
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Monday, December 14th, 2009
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sevilla_philo
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How to make a journal:
1) Get 4 clean sheets of 8 1/2 x 11in bond paper.
2) Fold them in half, crosswise, and staple them together at the spine (like a Cattleya filler).
3) Put your ID # and Ph104 (section) on the front cover.
4) INSIDE the rear cover, in the last inner page, put your SURNAME, Nickname, ID#, Course, and PH104(sec). In order to protect your privacy, your name is not visible unless the journal is opened.
Question:
[Ph104C 1130-1230h]
Concretely, where do you experience your own ego-self? How does it lead to fundamental anxiety and violence? (Draw primarily from Abe Masao.)
[Ph104L 1530-1630h]
Concretely, how do YOU experience duhkha (suffering)? What is the right conduct that helps you resolve this duhkha? (Draw primarily from the Suttas & SN Goenka.)
[Guidelines:]
- Max one page (one face only). If you have extra things to say, you may write a separate, ungraded section elsewhere to provide background to your story/entry. Just indicate which section is to be graded. Ang lumagpas sa max 1 page, may deduction.
- I prefer handwritten entries, but please write legibly. If you prefer to print it, please cut it to fit your journal. I WILL NOT ACCEPT STAPLED PAPERS JUST FOLDED INTO YOUR JOURNAL!!
- Do not write back to back to prevent bleeding of ink.
- You may write in any language I understand, provided it is primarily in English. Taglish is okay, but I cannot understand a pure Filipino paper!
- Due during class hours only, on Friday, December 18, 2009.
- To be graded on a full scale for a weight of 3.
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